I am the first and only one in my familiy who started this inner work journey, took the self-discovery road. The first to begin working with herself, trying to know herself better, deep dive into spiritual practices, meditation, therapy, somatic therapy, journaling, family constellation, transgenerational therapies and so much more.
Lately, I gained a lot of interest in transgenerational trauma passed through ancestors, and how it could be healed, in order to not perpetuate their story.
This journey of self-work, let’s call it that way, is a never ending one. Wish I knew it when I opened the Pandora box, but didn’t. Just learned afterwards. Of course, the hard way. I was the hard funky girl and liked only hard things to get. In my mind, if it was not hard, I wouldn’ t deservean it.
But every family has to have its own ‘black sheep.’ The one who doesn’t follow the rules. The one who decides the journey is hers to walk through. The one who has the courage to say: Stop. This has to stop. All the trauma, family issues, sufference, sadness, toxicity, must stop. No more. Not for me. How I like to say it lately: no, I don’t do this s*t!
Here are some questions that keep popping into my mind since I started this journey, a journey of more than 10 years.
Are you going to suffer when you decide to follow this path? Am I going to make it? Why is it that hard? Will it pay off? Am I the chosen one and if so, why me? Is it necessary? Why can’t I stop doing the work? Is there a deadline? Why do I have to torture myself with all this work? Is it worth doing it? Why can’t I stop? Where to? Where is the final station?
Someone told me that these questions all come from Ego. I thought about it. And I do not really believe that. Because as you may see, I cannot answer most of them and won’t try a forced answer. I just feel that I have to do this. No answer. Just feeling.
I just feel I was chosen to clean all the ancestral trauma and to bring healing to my ancestors and to me. I think I always knew this just didn’t realize it. As a child I was a grown-up adult. Always had other passions, thinking, opinions about life, than my family for instance. Plus, all the drama, trauma, pain, suffering in my family lead me to this.
I asked my father to draw my family tree on his line. I was glad to see him excited and involved in doing so. It was like we were both accomplices in a story from long ago, yet ours. He told me things I didn’t know. For example, he told me that an ancestor of ours built an inn on a hill and then the inn was burned by the Turks.
This information got me thinking. I still have to understand and discover my own limiting beliefs related to abundance. But I still have to connect some dots.
Last week I tried to explain to my mother some connections I have made in our family tree on her line. I explained to her the loyalty of some ancestors to others in taking over trauma and suffering and reiterating it. I saw her enlightened, and she herself supplemented with things I didn’t know and made sense. Those secrets that we hardly ever find out. But what may be the missing part of the puzzle. Exactly what I was looking for, matched and didn’t match.
I leave you with some thoughts I wrote not so long ago:
My ancestors press my shoulders with the burden of fulfilling their missions. I’ve been bickering with them for a while and telling them to calm down, that they had their time. Now it’s my time and I have my mission. I want to break the loop and I shout angrily that I have my mission. Do they think I owe them anything? Am I to blame for their lost time? I have my mission and every time I publish a text I feel closer to it. I whisper easily: it is not my fault.